if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
