my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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