i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
