I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
