please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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