I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
