I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
