just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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