Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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