that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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