You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
