The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
