my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
