i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
