I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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