i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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