I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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