There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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