Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
