I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
