Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
