nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
