I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
