Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
