either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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