I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
