the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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