8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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