i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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