I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
