i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i would punch a child for taco bell
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
