Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
