I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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