So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
