My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
