We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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