Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
