So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
