No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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