It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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