i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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