I just threw up on my dentist
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
