I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
