if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
