My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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