She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
