I just saw a hot homeless man
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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