Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
he was CRYING into my vagina
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I want to fling myself into the sun
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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