im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
