Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
