she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
