You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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