she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
